It's Monday afternoon and I am finishing up my last IV bag...a bag of fluid to wash the toxins out of my body. Go figure...didn't they just put those toxins in??? After that I'm headed over to the radiation oncology office for my 4 minutes of radiation treatment. Takes longer to get there than it does for the radiation!
The Vancomycin is working and I am feeling significantly better today than yesterday. It's amazing what a difference drugs and time can make in how one is feeling. At 2:00 yesterday I was having an emotional meltdown in the middle of the bathroom floor and by 6:00 yesterday I was eating a good sized dinner and feeling much improved. At 2:00 a.m. I was in the kitchen eating another meal! Which brings me to my next thought...
This morning, as I was preparing to shower, I turned sideways and looked at my body, naked in the mirror. Horrified by what I saw I quickly jumped in the shower. It was an interesting time for reflection. What I saw this morning in the mirror was NOT me, could NOT be me. My immediate thought was that I looked like a prisoner in a concentration camp...maybe about a month in with little or no food. I did not recognize the woman in the mirror. Then, as the warm water flowed over my body I was reminded of when I was in my late 20's and for a period of time the struggle with eating took over my life. In a sense I developed adult-like anorexia, where controlling my weight became an obsession and was the only thing I felt I had any control over. I weighed daily and nothing anyone said made any difference in how I viewed by body...I thought I was still fat, but here's the thing. The frame of my body hasn't changed since I was 30 but at the time I weighed 20 pounds less than I do today! I weighed 101 pounds and was working to see the scales get down to 99...thinking that somehow 99 was the magic number. The number at which I wouldn't feel fat anymore. Magical thinking. Thank goodness I never reached 99 pounds. Shortly after reaching a size zero I began to use cognitive restructuring to alter my faulty and irrational thinking. So the most important part is that I got over the weight issue and moved on to better health, a better lifestyle. It was hard to see myself in the mirror this morning but I'm glad I did. In the end, it was very therapeutic. It was good for me to remember where I've been and to realize how far I've come. Life is good and life is short so for all the women out there...don't waste your time worrying about those last 10 or so pounds. STOP the madness. It's not worth it. I guarantee it.
This is a photo taken last week in my office when I stopped by for a visit with my staff. Rob and Rita (pictured here), as well as the entire OEDS and Dean's Office staff have been the most amazing, most incredible people I have ever met. Thank you!
Sheila
4 comments:
I read Charlie's post today. How refreshing to find a young man who does NOT rely on spellchecker. As Jerry says," It takes a really small mind to think of but one way to spell a word". I understood Charlie's post completely. Go Charlie!
Sheila - you're an amazing woman with great strength. I feel blessed to call you my friend. We're almost halfway there.....keep your spirits up!
Love you
Sheila--You may have to write a book about all this -- I think lots of people would benefit from your insight. take care. Linda E.
Sheila - you're such a cool person; truly awesome! You've made me rethink my evening ritual of complaining to my husband about how bad my arthritic finger hurts.
I've only known you for a few years, I don't even work closely with you, and yet I feel a connection, a friendship of sorts. I think about you daily and pray that yours will be the best, most positive outcome ever!
If what they say is true, something about trials making you stronger; I'm gonna need to get you a T-shirt with a great big "SSW" right on the front (SSW = Sheila-Super Woman).
Well, didn't mean to gush, but I do admire your ability to open up and share with folks some of what your going through. I have 2 close relatives who are fighting the same monster, but with a different name.
So ....., don't hesitate for a moment to call if you need me to do something for you or your hubby, I would be happy to. Perhaps some manual labor; yea, I could work off some of the lbs. that I never got rid of after having my two sons; currently 34 & 30 :)
Keep up the good work Sheila!
Love ~ Rose
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